Unabashed schoolchildren have a habit of making people laugh

Hooray, it's back-to-school time! Kids and teachers might not be thrilled, but I'm excited about it. Remember old-time radio and TV host Art Linkletter's show, "Kids Say the Darnedest Things?" Now's the time our teacher daughters and granddaughter can bring me a new crop of "Kids say the darnedest things!"

Our older daughter, Luanne, probably provides more funny stories, since she works with younger kids. After teaching fifth grade for many years, she moved to a primary library position two years ago. She's still reveling in the difference between blasé older kids and eager young ones.

When she included "Jack in the Beanstalk" in the fairytale unit right after making the switch to primary, Luanne censored the versions for each grade level. They all got "fee, fie, foe, fum," but only the second grade got the scary part about "drinking the blood of an Englishman." First grade got a milder version, and the kindergarten story had nothing left to frighten the kids.

Or so she thought. But she must have performed a bit too well in the drama department, because when she said "fee, fie, foe, fum," emphasizing the words with heavy clomping footsteps worthy of a giant, one little girl leaped into the lap of the classroom aide and, with a sob, clapped her hands over her ears. Luanne was appalled that she had made a child cry in her very first week at the primary school.

After that unit, one kindergartner revealed some experience with religion. As they filed out on the last day of the session, our daughter asked, "Now, how do fairytales always end?"

They all sang out, "happily every after," except one little boy who responded, "Ay-MEN!"

Kids this age aren't embar-rassed to like a teacher, and show it, even if they can't remember her name or pronounce her title. As one little boy left the library the first Friday, he waved and called, "Have a nice weekend, Mrs. ... Mrs. Bilarian!"

What's especially fun is how a little kid says exactly what's on his mind. During individual reading testing at the end of the school year, one youngster struggled through the read-aloud part. When he finally finished, he pushed his chair back, sighed heavily, and said, "Well, do I suck, or what?" She had to convince him that no, he didn't suck, and it was time to do the second half of the test.

Another youngster dutifully read aloud the piece as instructed. To test comprehension, our daughter then said, "Now tell me everything you remember about what you read."

He looked at her, puzzled, and said "Geez, Ms. Clark, I just read the whole thing to you. Weren't you even listening?"

One of our younger daughter Katy's students at her school in Canby, Ore., showed a similar fuzzy grasp of the purpose of testing. The class geared up for the Oregon version of our WASL tests, with the usual instructions to get a relaxing night's sleep and have a good breakfast prior to this important STATE test. One puzzled youngster was obviously expecting a geography quiz. After the math test, she asked our daughter, "But, Ms. Scofield, how does all this math stuff show what I know about the states?"

Another of Katy's students taught her a lesson in technology last spring. The little girl was perplexed by the form they were filling out in class. It called for the home phone number. "Should I put my mom's number or my dad's?" she asked.

"No, put your HOME phone number," Katy explained, "the number people call to get your house."

The little girl looked at her in amazement. How dumb could this teacher be? "Ms. Scofield," she said, "PEOPLE have phones, not houses." Ah, the cell phone technology.

When we visited Katy's room during their Art Appreciation Fair, she introduced us to her class. "Boys and girls, this is my mom and dad, Mr. and Mrs. Scofield," she said.

They sang out in reply, "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Scofield."

One little boy looked at us for a long minute, then turned to our daughter and asked, "How old ARE you, anyhow, Ms. Scofield?"

Ah, it's wonderful, the fresh spontaneity that comes from the mouths of babes. Or on second thought ... maybe not. But whether it's fresh and spontaneous or merely fresh, I'll have to agree with Art Linkletter. Kids still DO say the darnedest things!

* Donna Scofield is a freelance writer whose articles, columns and short fiction stories have appeared in numerous national and regional magazines. The longtime Yakima resident is retired after working as a secretary and office manager in Yakima School District elementary schools. She has raised two sons and two daughters.

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