Dear Crabby -- Wrapped up in miserliness

Dear Crabby,

I swear I'm not a miser; I just hate waste. I've been known to reuse really nice wrapping paper, though I don't expect anyone else to. However, expensive gift bags and boxes are designed to be reused with just some new tissue or a couple of small pieces of Scotch tape.

My husband's idea of gift-wrap is putting things in boxes or bags and winding masking tape around everything. Aside from the waste, opening them is harder than breaking into Fort Knox -- you have to really want to get in. Plus it looks really tacky under the Christmas tree. It's not like we have any young children trying to peek. How do I convince him to go easy on the wrapping?

Sincerely,

Scotch

Dear Scotch,

"I swear I'm not a miser" is the sort of thing only a miser would say. Miserliness, like just about any personal shortcoming, is not something one typically recognizes in oneself; you need others to tell you. Now, I don't know you at all, so I can't say with certainty whether you're a miser. But let's examine the evidence:

* You start off by saying you're not one. ("The lady doth protest too much, methinks," as some guy wrote.)

* You reuse wrapping paper and "expensive gift bags and boxes."

* You think there's such a thing as "expensive gifts bags." I mean, seriously, I've never seen one for more than about $5. And they're usually just a couple of bucks. I'm not exactly Donald Trump Rockefeller over here, but I have no compulsion to reuse gift bags.

Survey says: Miser.

But, like I said, I don't know you at all. It may indeed be that you are just anti-waste. That's a noble thing to be. Environment and landfills and recycling and global warming and all of that. I'm just saying, perhaps you should consider the possibility that you're also just an all-encompassing total miser. Miser.

I know that has nothing to do with your question, which if I remember correctly was about scotch. No, wait, it was about getting your husband to go easy on the wrapping. Have you tried just talking to him about it? Because if this really bothers you and you express that to him, he should have the decency to change his ways. It's not like you're asking him to do anything difficult, and it's not like you're criticizing an integral part of his personality. You're just trying to work through your own miserly neuroses, and he should be willing to help you along.

Now, if you've brought it up to him in a constructive manner and he's flatly refusing to change his wrapping habits, then I say divorce him. He's clearly some kind of weirdo.

Hope that helps.

Sincerely,

Crabby

* If you have a question for Dear Crabby, email it with the subject line "Dear Crabby" to On magazine lead writer Pat Muir at pmuir@yakimaherald.com. We'll keep your name anonymous and do our best to give you some truly horrible advice.