Dear Crabby-- What should I do with all this free time?

Dear Crabby,

Hi. I'm a single, retired and tired 77-year-old with years of work and volunteerism behind me, but my energy pack has run dry. Now all I want to do is sit, read, sleep and eat. Not very exciting. Any suggestions that don't involve booze, loud music and noisy parties?

Sincerely,

Looking for a Way Out

Dear Way Out,

I think you're looking at this all wrong.

You're 77, and your work is done; this is a great thing. So all you want to do is sit, read, sleep and eat? Well, hell, that's all I want to do now, and I'm 33. I dream of being a 77-year-old with my career behind me. But, no, I'm forced by society's expectations (and the need for food, clothing and health insurance) to continue working and to occasionally do things like exercise, "go on a fun day hike" or interact socially with my peers.

I hate all of that stuff. I may be the oldest 33-year-old in the world.

You know how to make me perfectly content? Give me a chair, a book and a bowl of something that doesn't require much chewing. (Well, and I also require booze, loud music and noisy parties. At least sometimes. But apparently that's not your bag, which is fine.)

My point, Way Out, is that you've earned this time. Be as lazy as you want; there's nothing wrong with it. If I were you, I'd get out of bed around noon, make a big pitcher of lemonade, grab a book and head outdoors to my hammock, where I would stay until I got hungry. Then I'd make a bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy and go back to the hammock, where I would eat the potatoes off a tray resting on my chest. I would nap on and off throughout the afternoon, not giving a care in the world whether I spilled gravy on my housecoat. (Oh yeah, I'd be wearing a housecoat.) Around 8 or 9 p.m. I'd go back to bed and fall asleep reading.

Then again, I am somewhat disgusting. So feel free to tailor this plan to your own specs. The main thing I'm saying is: I don't see anything wrong, after years of work and volunteerism, with just taking a break and getting some reading done. If you really need a little more excitement, you can always take a dance class or something. But that may replenish that "energy pack" you mentioned, and then you'd risk losing your will to be as lazy as possible. I don't recommend it.

I say grab that laziness, pull it close to your body and embrace it. Never let it go. Carry it with you each day when you head out to your hammock. And think of me, sitting at a desk in an office, wishing I had a bowl of mashed potatoes resting on a tray on my chest.

Sincerely,

Crabby

* If you have a question for Dear Crabby, email it with the subject line "Dear Crabby" to On magazine lead writer Pat Muir at pmuir@yakimaherald.com. We'll keep your name anonymous and do our best to give you some truly horrible advice.