Dear Crabby -- Bad advice, literally

Dear Crabby,

This is a plea from a group of us looking to save our friend. Some of us are married, some single, some in relationships, but all with the common problem of a girl-crazy friend.

Our best friend is a serial dater who has yet to find "the one." Our problem as his closest friends is that every time he finds a good girl we all like who has her life going in the right direction, treats him with respect and seems to genuinely care for him, he doesn't really have a connection with her.

I shouldn't say that's the problem, because when it's right he'll know. The problem is the ones he latches on to seem to be these controlling, evil chicks who are horrible. They never want him to hang out with his friends, get mad at him for doing things away from them, make him do what they like all the time and just don't seem to want a boyfriend but an errand boy.

This newest one seems like she has done this before and is literally putting her claws in him deep. Normally he comes to reason on his own, or we scare off the ones who treat him and his family and friends with rude disrespect. But this time we're a little worried. Any ideas on how to get her to make a dash back to wherever she came from?

Help us help him,

The Group

Dear Group,

Put down this newspaper immediately and rush to your friend's side. She is "literally putting her claws in him deep." How badly is he bleeding? Is he going to make it? You've got to call the police or a priest or a zookeeper or something. I mean, that's physical violence, and it sounds very dangerous. Also, what kind of mutant woman is this who has claws strong enough and large enough that she can literally put them deep into someone?

Apologies for that. It was my sarcastic way of expressing how you misused "literally." I know it was a jerk move on my part, but that's a pet peeve. Makes me really crabby. (Not literally, of course; that would mean I have pincers and a hard shell and taste delicious with drawn butter.)

So, anyway, you're concerned that your friend is dating "controlling, evil chicks who are horrible." Well, bro -- I assume you're the kind of guy who uses the word "bro" or "brah" or some variation thereof -- I just don't know what to tell you. There is no risk-free way to deal with it. You could voice your concerns, but he probably won't listen and it will just drive him closer to her and further from you. One of you could try sleeping with her; that would probably break them up, but it would also end your friendship. (Plus she's got those claws.) You could buy her off. You know, bribe her to leave him alone. But based on my experience, that will probably cost you at least low four-figures. And even then there's no guarantee she'll keep her word and stay away.

I think it may be one of those things he just has to learn the hard way, by being in a lousy relationship for years and then being in a lousy marriage for years after that. Then, when he and Ol' Claws get a divorce a couple of decades from now, you can have your friend back.

Sincerely,

Crabby

* If you have a question for Dear Crabby, email it with the subject line "Dear Crabby" to On magazine lead writer Pat Muir at pmuir@yakimaherald.com. We'll keep your name anonymous and do our best to give you some truly horrible advice.