Cinemavore -- 'Better Off Dead'

What do you do when the girl of your dreams dumps you?

Learn from Lane Meyer, or you'll end up like the title of one of my favorite '80s movies, "Better Off Dead."

Lane, played by John Cusack, is completely obsessed with Beth, who happens to fall for the school skiing god, Roy Stalin. Poor Lane is crushed as we see him rifling through his closet with pictures of Beth as the head on all of his shirt-hangers, in frames all over his room and, well, you get the point.

He figures there's nothing else to live for, since his sweetheart has dumped him. Now, while this is normally a morbid subject, please remember that this is a comedy and everything he does to try to end his life is quite humorous. One attempt is in the car in the garage, but he passes out and pulls the car into reverse, which barrels through the new garage door. Another is to blow himself up with items in the garage, but a neighbor meets with a slight accident instead.

And Beth leaving him is actually the least of his worries. He street races with two brothers, each time with a bad ending. To make things worse, one speaks no English, and the other learned how to speak English by watching ABC's "Wide World of Sports" and sounds like Howard Cosell. (The voice is actually that of Rich Little.)

He has a demanding paperboy who is interested in one thing: two dollars! One of my favorite quotes comes from this film when Lane tells him, "Sorry Johnny, I don't have a dime," to which the paperboy replies, "Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars!"

His brother is a genius with no lines, his teacher wants to date his ex-girlfriend, his best friend is played by Booger from "Revenge of the Nerds" and his mailman drops or reads the mail along his route. They all add numerous laughs throughout.

The only thing that might save Lane from himself is the French foreign exchange student who's staying with the "dorkhead" and his mom who live across the street. She has the misfortune of living with a family in which the mom is looking for a girlfriend for her sad sack of a son.

Lane's biggest dilemma now is that he has agreed to race Stalin down the K-12, a slope no one can ski except for his nemesis. But his friends help him with his confidence, offering encouraging words such as, "Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn." I'm not sure a Mahre twin would feel comfortable on this slope, but Lane is up for the challenge.

It's really an amusing story, and this film has two of the greatest minutes ever shot: a Claymation hamburger shredding guitar while singing Van Halen's "Everybody Wants Some!!"

I hope you want some, too!

* Ryan Messer has worked for years in local television and theater. He has contributed movie trivia to the On magazine Facebook page and displays a knowledge of cinema arcana that is just short of disturbing.