The indoorsman -- The straight poop on babies

Your Indoorsman is headed to Michigan soon to reunite with family and probably get pooped on by a couple of babies.

They love to do that, babies. They'll sit in their parents' arms for hours, smiling and goo-goo-gah-ing, only to dirty their diapers immediately upon being handed to me. Happens every time. It's really quite a phenomenon. I should probably take it on the road.

The saving grace of this situation, of course, is that because they're not my babies, I can just hand them back to their parents when they do this. It's the best part about hanging out with babies that aren't yours. I'm sure there are also many great things about having one's own babies -- the preciousness of life created by two loving parents, the way you feel when they smile, the thrill of re-experiencing the world through their wide, wondering eyes -- but I really like not having to change them.

Anyway, the babies I'm talking about in this case are my brother's son, Liam, and my sister's daughter, Megan. Liam's just over a year old, and Megan was born on New Year's Day this year. I haven't met her yet but I suspect she's really excited to meet her Indoors-uncle. And poop on him.

That notwithstanding, I can't wait to see both of them. The last time I saw Liam, he was only 2 months old and already had a robust personality. By now he's probably working out the final wrinkles of his first novel, which I assume is a Dickensian merging of dark whimsy and social commentary. Knowing Liam, it probably will also have pop-up cutouts of cartoon frogs.

And, though we haven't been formally introduced, I just know I'm going to go head over heels for Megan. I'm told she's a spirited young go-getter with a glint of mischief in her eye, just like her mom, The Indoors-younger-sister. I'm also told that, even though Megan is still a few days shy of 7 months old, she's already reading at a 14-month-old level (which, technically, is still the no-reading-at-all level). The point is, she seems to be a very gifted young lady.

Being halfway across the country from these kids -- Liam and parents are in Illinois; Megan and parents are in Kentucky -- is a real drag for me. I already missed my brother, my sisters and my parents. Now I miss these babies, one of whom I've met once and the other whom I've never met at all. It already seems like their lives are going by too quickly. In no time, they'll be headed off to kindergarten, then to high school and college, and then into the heartless abyss of the professional world. And then back to college for grad school, and then back into the heartless abyss of the professional world but at a slightly higher pay grade.

When that happens, I'll look back wistfully at the days when they were just little babies bouncing on my knee. I'll tell them not to worry, that what this harsh world does to grown-ups is essentially the same thing they used to do to me when I held them.

"Yeah, it stinks," I'll say. "But it's worth it."

-- The Indoorsman