Oh, crap, there goes the iPod

Now I know why earphones were created: to keep your iPod from taking a dunk in the toilet.

I found that out firsthand on a recent afternoon at the Yakima Family YMCA.

After changing into my exercise clothes in the locker room, I made a short sidetrip to a nearby restroom stall.

Here's where the plot thickens. My regular running shorts were dirty so I had to wear an older pair -- with no pockets. The lack of pockets is crucial here because I decided to tuck my iPod into the elastic band of my shorts. Made sense to me. You know the saying: "Out of sight, out of mind."

While lifting up the toilet seat, I saw something flash in front of me.

I instinctively reached out for it, but the object slipped through my fingers. I did, however, catch hold of the earphone's thin green cord. It's lucky I did, for dangling in midair, only an inch or two above the pale blue water of the toilet, was my iPod.

It's at these extreme moments when you confront one of the great mysteries in life: What is it with toilets? Why are they like black holes in the universe where everything gets sucked down into their gaping maws?

Maybe that's why I've had so many run-ins, or rather drop-ins, with toilets. I have kerplunked just about everything into those porcelain thrones. Pair of eyeglasses? Done that. A favorite childhood puppet? Did that at age 6, much to my chagrin.

The list goes on: toothbrushes, a contact lens case and an actual contact lens, car keys, nail clippers, countless bars of soap.

The nearness of the bathroom sink has a lot to do with these royal flushes. And toilets seem so innocent looking, don't they? Who's to blame for its sinister design?

It's not Sir Thomas Crapper. Many have tried to point an angry plunger in his direction, but they're all wet. Indeed, there was a Thomas Crapper who had a number of toilet patents to his credit, but he's not enshrined in the Water Closet Hall of Fame.

That distinction goes to 16th century author Sir John Harrington. He actually installed one of the first flushing prototypes in the palace of Queen Elizabeth I, his godmother. Sadly, the queen didn't use it. She complained it made too much noise.

I'm sure she would have developed flusher's elbow if she had owned a modern-day Neorest toilet. This luxury Japanese-made model costs up to $5,200 and features a warm air dryer, catalytic air deodorizer, heated seat, oscillating spray massage and a front- and back-aerated warm-water spray. Now that's going first class.

Though the Neorest may be a bit much (the warm-water spray frightens me), toilets seem to attract an inordinate number of inventors. Scores of U.S. patents have been taken out over the years in hopes of bettering the plight for those of us venturing into the WC. Even Yakima shares in the patent craze, with at least two on file -- a sanitary toilet lift in 1992 and an elaborate volume-selective water closet flushing system in 1989.

So if the common folk are so fixated with toilets, what about celebrities?

Have no fear. They are just as fascinated as we are.

Guess what Madonna requests when she arrives at a hotel for a performance? A new toilet seat. Each night. R & B performer Mariah Carey also demands that a new toilet seat greet her whenever she settles in for the night at a five-star resort. She likewise insists that all of the bathroom faucets be replaced with gold ones. Nice touch.

As for cleaning toilets, that honor goes to Miley Cyrus, better known to her adoring fans as superstar Hannah Montana.

"I worked at this place called Sparkles Cleaning Service and I cleaned houses," Cyrus said in a 2008 interview with Us Weekly magazine. "I was, like, 11 ... I can scrub a toilet."

But can you "scrub out" an iPod that's been chucked into a loo?

I decided to do some further research -- on the Internet. I typed in "iPod in toilet" into my trusty Google search engine and uncovered 3,430,000 hits that mention this particularly embarrassing mishap. One overly descriptive entry referred to such an occurrence as an "iTurd moment." Now there's a phrase not worth repeating.

At www.methodshop.com, visitors are greeted to a video of an iPod splashing into a toilet that, quite frankly, has seen cleaner days. Solutions offered at this site range from using an alcohol pad for a quick cleanup to placing the dripping iPod near a heater to dry out. Most readers, though, confess they have resigned themselves to the fact their iPod is a goner.

The Web site does offer this consoling comment: "At least you didn't put it in the washing machine."

Of course not. That's reserved for cell phones.

* Editorial Page Editor Spencer Hatton can be reached at 509-577-7704 or shatton@yakimaherald.com.