On Parenting: Step back a bit as kids get older

This past weekend, our baby turned 10. A decade. Double digits. At over 100 pounds, there's no mistaking he's a big boy now. And while I love who he is becoming, I do miss the baby boy who now exists just in pictures.

I think I did my best parenting with little people -- infants really. Compared to what is required of moms and dads when the kids are 10, and 12 and almost 15, changing diapers, frequent feedings and hours of cuddling seemed much easier to me.

Now, instead of diapers, there are never-ending mountains of laundry. The frequent feedings have been replaced by constant foraging through the fridge and pantry, amidst anguished cries of "there's nothing good to eat in here!" And the cuddles? Well, my baby, er -- big boy, Jack -- still doles them out pretty regularly, and at home, I can usually get them. But in public? Don't even ask!

A co-worker and I were discussing all this growing up our kids are doing and she was reminded of something she'd read in a parenting book, "Parent Talk: How to Talk to Your Children in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility." The author, Chick Moorman, gives a list of things we parents say -- unconsciously, of course -- that keep kids young and helpless and dependent upon us, rather than encouraging them to grow more independent and self-reliant. She calls it "learned helplessness."

Alas, as she read the list, I recognized a couple of phrases I still use, sometimes on a regular basis. The biggie for me? Offering (sometimes insisting on) help when it's not needed.

The good side of our conversation was that over the weekend, I caught myself right in the middle of committing one of these minor crimes with Jack, and as a result of my new awareness, was able to stop and send him a more positive message.

Jack got a shiny new Nintendo DS Lite handheld game for his birthday, and some Indiana Jones Lego stickers made specifically for personalizing a DS Lite. As he studied the stickers, determining where each one should be applied, I suggested I might help him with getting them all on straight.

Our oldest, Michael, overheard the conversation and asked, "Why do you care how the stickers go on? It's his DS."

Hmmm ... why indeed? Good question.

A few minutes later, Jack brought one sticker to me asking where I thought it was supposed to go. I stuck it on then watched as he worked on placing another one.

"Here, let me help," I said, as I peered over his shoulder.

But hearing my words made me stop. They were practically verbatim from Moorman's list! Jack was perfectly capable of putting on those stickers. Why should I care if they aren't perfectly straight? I thought about the unspoken message my offer for un-needed help might send: "I'm better than you" ... "You're not capable" ... "You need me for this."

I backed out.

"It looks like you're already doing a great job. You don't need me to do it for you," I said, and he happily finished applying the stickers by himself.

Just like letting him dress himself without my interference sent a quiet message that he is capable and smart, that he can figure things out. That's a pretty good message to be sent.

I realize that Jack's sticker situation was just a moment or two from his life, and that it wasn't really that big of a deal in the whole picture of raising a child, but doing things for Jack that he can do himself is probably a tendency of mine, due to a little streak of perfectionism. It's hard to believe, but it's been suggested that my way isn't always the only way (I know, I was really shocked to hear that too!), and things don't always have to be perfect ... especially things like stickers on a DS.

I thought I would share Moorman's list in case you, too, might find yourself subconsciously "keeping the little people down." After all, we're all striving to help our kids grow and become independent. From the time they're born, we feed and nurture and care for them, with the expectation that after 20 or so years, they will emerge confident, capable adults. That's a big job, and in our house, we're grateful for any good pointers we can get.

Ten Things to Say to Promote Learned Helplessness in Your Children, from "Parent Talk: How to Talk to Your Children in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility." Fireside Books, 2003.

1. "Here, let me do that for you."

2. "I'll pay for it this time, but if it happens again you're going to have to suffer the consequences."

3. "I'll talk to your teacher and see if I can get her to change her mind."

4. "It's late, so I'll let it go this time."

5. "I'll fix it for you."

6. "Don't say anything to your father. I'll see if I can convince him for you."

7. "You're not old enough for a _____."

8. "I haven't got time to show you how right now."

9. "That's too complicated (difficult, involved, sophisticated, much trouble)."

10. "It was raining, so I put your bike in the garage."

* This column was made possible through a partnership between Yakima Valley Memorial Hospital Community Education program and Christina McCarthy. Christina is a freelance writer and mother of three children. She and her husband live, work and play in and around Yakima. She can be reached at: kidscount@fairpoint.net.

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